By now you’ve seen at least some of the recent rash of “Sh*t ____ say…” videos.  Some of my favorites include “Sh*t Austinites Say“, “Stuff Hijabis Say“, and the truly hilarious “Sh*t Nobody Says.”

In one of the progressive Muslim groups I belong to on Facebook, Progressive Muslim Voices, the administrator posted last week:

Ok, here’s a fun exercise, Prog Muzzies. Given the slew of “Shit….say” videos posted on this wall lately, I want to know what you think a “Shit Progressive Muslims say” video would go like.

And post they did.  The thread is up to 700 responses, although to be fair it devolved toward the end and went way off topic (as these things often do.)  BUT!  I requested permission to share some of my favorite contributions from the list and the group gave me their collective permission.

So, without further ado– here is some of the “Sh*t Progressive Muslims Say…”

“So are you like progressive moderate or moderate progressive, or like moderately moderate or progressively progressive?”

“I’m not religious, but I’m a spiritual person.”

“Veena Malik is fighting for women’s rights.”

“The translators got it all wrong. They don’t know the actual meaning of the root of the word in Arabic.”

“I heart Jon Stewart.”

“I won’t perform the Hajj, as long as Saudi Arabia is not a democracy.”

‎”Democracy was revealed in the Quran. Fact!”

“Burqas are for fetishists.”

“It’s all about tafseer…and anyone should be able to do that.”

“Where’s the ijtihad, dude?”

“Please don’t let it be a Muslim!”

“The niqab is NEVER a choice!”

“Allah is just the Arabic word for Krishna.”

“Education is the answer to all the world’s problems.”

“Jesus was Muslim.”

“You disagree with me? You MUST be a Wahabi!”

“Happy thanksgiving…now I’m off to enjoy my halal turkey dinner!”

“Why should I pray in Arabic? Allah knows all languages.”

‎”I was watching this Swedish- Latvian arthouse movie done by a director from Peru who spent three days in a Tirpoli Hotel about the journey of a small boy to a store – it really speaks to me as a Muslim.”

“Oh but we’re not *Progressive*, if you know what I mean. We’re just progressive. “

“MERRY CHRISTMAS!”

“As a Muslim you have more freedom in the US than in all Muslim countries together.”

“Does anybody know a progressive mosque where I can openly pray as a gay pork eating woman? The 300 miles I travel now are not enough to show my progressiveness, so please give me a name of a mosque on another continent.”

“Of course it’s all those Saudi petrol dollars at work…”

“I heart Amina Wadud.”

“I like to cause boobquakes in my spare time.”

“Religion is deeply personal, which is why I don’t discuss MINE in public forums. But I’ll gladly criticize your practice!”

“Which version of the Qur’an do you read?”

“I got groped in Mecca!”

“The problem with Islam is that everyone keeps confusing CULTURE with RELIGION.”

“Irshad Manji is okay for a psycho lesbian, but Ayaan Hirsi Ali is a total bitch.”

“Khadijah was totally a cougar!”

“Somebody help me find that fatwa that says I can bang that girl in my ethics class before the end of the semester as long as she’s NOT Muslim.”

“Have you ever had sex with an uncircumcised guy?”

“There is no such thing as a Muslim name, but to emphasize my Islamic identity I am adopting the name Mariposa Anuradha Bint Steven”

“Steve Jobs was born a Muslim.”

“The sons of Salafabiasodomy Arapia are the most wicked people on earth. Oh. Yes. I am an American. But don’t judge me by what my government does, I mean, the government doesn’t represent ALL Americans!”

“Why don’t we try reading the Quran in Amharic or Aramaic or Tuareg and see if we can get it to say what we want it to with different diacritics. Cuz some guy in Germany or somewhere did and it turns out that in other languages the Quran is like tyotally a feminist text!”

“On behalf of my people, I apologize to you for a crime which I did not commit.”

“I’m a white, American convert but I have a vast working knowledge AND an opinion on everything that happens in Pakistan/Saudi Arabia/Indonesia/Somalia/Palestine/etc.”

“I never thought I’d see that day when we’d have a president with a Muslim middle name. Alhamdolillah!”

“You know what the problem with this ummah is? Racism!”

Our imam is the best! He roller blades!

‎”Our Imam is the best. SHE leads our prayers.”

“Our imam is the best…he’s also the synagogues rabbi next door.”

“It’s the end of the Ummah as we know it but I feel fine!”

“Taliban do not represent Islam, as they were actually created by the CIA.”

“More than one wife is NOT allowed in Islam as Koran says that it is impossible to treat them all equally.”

“Happy Hanukkah!”

“Saudi Barbaria!”

“All freedom fighers were once terrorists.”

Ahhhh, good times!  I love when people can laugh at themselves, and progressive Muslims are certainly not immune to rhetoric.  The ability to self-evaluate and self-criticize is important for any movement so I was really delighted to participate in this amusing community discussion and to share it with my readers.

In that spirit, if you have anything to add to the list, please leave a comment and share what Sh*t YOU think Progressive Muslims Say.

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To learn more about the progressive Muslim movement I recommend that you visit the site Muslims for Progressive Values (not affiliated with the Facebook group above), and check out the new MPV book, “Progressive Muslim Identities - Personal Stories of U.S. and Canadians.“